What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:18
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Is it okay for a wife who comes home from a date to tell her husband what she did?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did the Soviet Jews hate the Soviet Union?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So whats the point in blame.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was 9 years of age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What did i know ?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it wasn’t much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ive learnt so much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were not on the streets..
I write beautiful poetry .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I said to her
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She found it foreign!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She married twice! .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
All the time i was locked up.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She wouldn,t have been !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Comes on , in middle age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was scared of men, in general
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So, i spoilt her more .
When she asked me how she looked .
Would this be the day?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i lived it daily.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It was going to be , some day.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Put me off passion for life!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
(And it was in our own minds.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I don,t even have a pension.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He knew the spot.
I waited trembling.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But, we were locked up after school.